Right now I am sitting in a bright living room, of a cozy little house, drinking coffee and surfing Facebook.  I’m looking out the window at the back of another house with 2 huge dogs playing on the deck.  My view is no longer trees and peaceful tranquility, my view has changed.  The property doesn’t go on for acres, it’s just a small little postage sized lot, with lots of neighbours, and currently lots of construction.  365 days later, the living room I am in is MINE…surrounded by my things, some in boxes, but most of it unpacked, and I’ve created peaceful tranquility inside my home.  There is a calm, quiet energy that just flows around the whole house.  It’s been just over a year, and the hardest chapter of my life is now done.  I sit here writing this blog knowing that whatever comes my way next is going to be amazing, and beautiful, because I have just weathered the most brutal storm I have ever encountered, and came out of it relatively unscathed.  I have a few broken bits, maybe some cracks, bruises and scars, but they are all things that have molded the human I am today.  All things that were necessary to happen for me to heal, and to grow.

I’m going to be real though,  moving into this house this weekend was hard as fuck.  I have been an emotional wreck for the past 2 weeks while packing up my life.  It’s not that I was still hanging onto my ex, a part of me was just clinging to my old life…you know, the way I “thought” life should be.  I got really funky this weekend once the house got quiet and all the company was gone.  Once the reality of everything I had just been through set in.  I’m not going to lie, I think 365 days of emotions hit me square in the face.  So, I just sat with all those feelings and let them come in waves….anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, despair, anger, anger, anger…lol.  Then came the peace, the calm, and the serenity.  It was like all of the sudden I just realized what and who was important in my life, and I could see how far I have come.  I could see all of the love that surrounds me from so many people, and all the love I have for them.  I felt calm in my new cozy little space, and started thinking about all of the memories I can’t wait to make here.

The past 365 days haven’t all been bad though, I have had some of the greatest times of my life this past year.  I have so many beautiful moments that I remember often and just smile about.  I was talking to a friend of mine in the middle of my emotional train wreck this weekend and she said something I will remember forever…”You have always been a pretty positive and happy person, but it just radiates off you now.  So, take however long you need to feel and cry, but know that your present is so much better than the past few years, and that you deserve to be as happy as you are right now”.  In that moment I knew she was so right, and I couldn’t spend another minute crying about what happened, because it all happened for a reason.  It all happened to bring me to the space I am in now.

So, to the person sitting in the very beginning of her own emotional hot mess, train wreck….here’s what I have to say to you, yes you….the one on the couch with the ice cream and vodka float (you know you thought about making one, don’t even lie!!).  You are going to be OK…you are going to be more than ok, you are going to be amazing.  Let it all out, all those feelings and all of that hurt…let it out.  Cry, please cry.  Cry so much that you don’t think you can cry another tear, and then cry some more.  Know, also, that it is ok to still cry 365 days later too, I promise it’s ok.  Scream…scream out the anger.  Almost daily, I would go out into the woods and just scream…to the point that I think the neighbours may have called the police because they thought someone was being murdered LOL.

I want you to know that there is a life beyond your heartbreak.  There is happiness, there is laughter, and there is love.  A special kind of happiness and love. A non judgemental, be yourself, free and beautiful kind of love.  It’s the kind of love you will find when you look in the mirror and really see yourself.  It’s the kind of happiness that falls into your lap when you’re not even looking for it, let alone want it.  It’s the most peaceful kind of love you will ever feel.  It’s quiet, and makes you feel so comfortable in it’s silence.  It’s simple, its sweet, and you deserve every ounce of it!  Breathe in all the beautiful, happy moments.  Don’t take a single one for granted, and burn the memories of those moments into your mind to pull out on those not so great days to laugh about.  Lean on your tribe, take  every bit of love, positivity and strength they have to offer you, you will need it some days.  Every single day gets easier, and easier.  Every single day has a bright silver lining to it, find it, and hang on to it.  When you come across people who love like you, and feel like you, speak like you, are crazy weird like you…hang on to them…DO NOT let them slip through your fingers, and don’t push them away, they are rare little gems.  Lastly, be gentle with yourself, because we really want to blame ourselves at the end of the day for everything that has happened, and we cannot be fully to blame.

I’m off now to make a lifetime of memories in my cozy little home, with all the people I love the most in this world.

xoxo

M

Holy shit…….I just spent a good portion of my day reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyl Melton ( go buy it….seriously….you need to read it!! and then follow Glennon on Facebook!!!).  This woman’s raw, honesty and ability to make me feel every single bloody emotion all at the same time was incredible.  This book spoke to my heart and soul, and at times I felt I was reading my own thoughts right on the page.  I have never in my life highlighted a book as much as I highlighted this one.  Her story of the hardest parts of her life was just so emotional, and so real, I ate up every word of this woman’s wisdom.  She inspired me with her truth and her reallness (is that even a word!?? Lol).  I felt so much of her humanness as I devoured every page, and it helped me process so much of my life and my feelings and my own truths.  It left me feeling so full and so inspired I just had to get on my computer and write my heart out.

All of the growing and learning I’ve done over the last 7 months has been truly incredible, and it’s so fucked up to say, but I’m so grateful for the moment that forever changed me.  As I was reading Glennon’s words, I could just feel so much of myself in them…the lessons she learned, the pieces of herself that she found, they all relate so much to me.  I’ve grown in ways I never even thought possible.  I think one of the biggest things that I’ve learned so far, is to just be real, and be open and be honest.  Be myself, a truly imperfect human being, that fucks up every now and then, and can learn and laugh at my stupidity and then move forward.  I really am incredibly imperfect.  I fuck up daily, say stupid things, think ridiculous thoughts, feel crazy schizophrenic emotions, and then laugh at myself and tell myself to calm the heck down!!! Embrace your imperfections loves…..embrace them all!!!!

I think the other thing I learned in all of this is that its good to let go and take the steps forward.  What happened to me, to my marriage, is something that I really could have let make me a bitter, angry, hateful person.  I could have let it fill me with darkness and become someone I would never like, however I’ve decided that continuing to be myself is the most important thing in all of this.  I know that it has changed somethings about me that are less than ideal…I am a touch less trusting than I was before, I think I may hold back a little bit more with my thoughts and feelings at first with new people in my life just until I’m sure I know their true character. I think I worry more and wonder more what people are really thinking, feeling, and saying.  Somedays I am terrified about my future, and I’m scared to be alone, and I’m scared to be in a relationship again all at the same time….I’m scared I’ll get hurt again, and then I’m scared no one will ever love me again…..(I did say my thoughts and emotions were schizophrenic…I warned you all LOL).  See how these are all less than ideal, but at the end of the day when I lay my head down I know that my fears are pretty coo coo.  I know truly without a doubt that one day I am going to meet some one that is so incredibly perfect for me, and they will be the final piece in putting my crazy little heart back together.  It won’t be “Perfect”, it will just be MY version of perfect.  That person is going to know all about me, every quirk, every annoying little habit, every weird thing about me and love all of it.  There will be no changing who I am, or what I stand for because they will just love me. Knowing, in my heart, the truth of the matter doesn’t get rid of the fears, they still linger a bit, but it helps soothe them for sure.  The growing and the learning has helped to soothe those fears more than anything, because at the end of the day I’ve learned to love myself and that is what really matters.

Finding what makes you human and being real and raw about it heals you.  When you can be truly open about the scars you have and just say “Here I am.  Take me or leave me”, fuck that is empowering!  That is the true lesson I learned from reading this book….“Say what you mean, and mean what you say…” (Thank you Dr. Seuss!!), and then be ok with the truth.  Once you are ok with your truths, you can let them out for the world to read or see or hear.  It’s totally ok to expose your scars for everyone to look at, because we are all just human as fuck.  We can learn from each other, we can grow with each other, we can carry each other through the shit storms that we encounter, and we can skip along together under the rainbows after the storm.  We don’t need to pretend that life is all sunshine and lollipops all the time, because that’s bullshit and it’s fake.

Take me or leave me, either way I’m just going to keep being me, perfectly imperfect…human as fuck…raw…semi broken, semi fixed….cool as shit me!

I love ya all

xoxo

M

Happy Day beautiful people!!!!!!  I’ve had this blog sitting on my heart for a few days now and a lazy, rainy, Sunday is a perfect day to finish it.

I’m laying in bed this morning being ever so lazy, because I have just completed an intense 7 day training course that tested my limits, and set my mind reeling with endless possibilities.  It was exactly what my body, mind and soul needed.  I needed to release all the bullshit of the past 7 months of my life. I needed to forgive, mostly myself, and I needed to heal.  Here’s something I learned…stuffing your shit into a duffel bag and throwing it to the back of a closet only works for so long before your shit starts to seep out of that bag.  Then you’re just covered in shit and have no idea how to clean yourself up.  The thing is, I found a way to clean my shit up, and for the first time in 7 months I feel like I can breath again.  It feels like the heaviest weight has been lifted from my heart.  It feels light, and bright, and full of love again.

I learned this week how to really connect with myself, to figure out who I am and what I want and need in life.  Most of all I learned what I DESERVE!  I moved away from just being “mom”, and “his” ex, and the “hairstylist”…..I found myself.  I found Meaghan, and let me tell you something….she is cool as fuck!!! Everything became so clear to me about my life, and my purpose this week.  One of my soul tribe babes said to me….”OMG you took yourself to the next level!!!!! Like Meags 2.0!”.  I died laughing, but she was so right!!!! I am the newest update to Meags 1.5…it took 7 days but the update was incredible, and now I feel whole again.  Like I belong in my body, and my heart is full and, and my soul is at peace.  It’s such a beautiful feeling… I have this overwhelming sense of freedom all of the sudden.  Like a bird set free.  There is no one on the face of this planet that can clip my wings now….( 😉 ).

So, can we all agree that living our life as our true, brilliant selves is exactly what every human being needs to do!!!??? We need to release the shit weight us down and just breath in the awesomeness that is this life!! If you’ve ever had a dream that you thought was way to outrageous to even consider, I wonder why??? When did you decide it’s too outrageous?  When did you decide you can’t do it?  When did you decide that you were beneath your dreams????  And when did you decide you weren’t worth an incredible life designed just by you!!!??  We are powerful and magnificent beings, that have every single thing we need within us, to live our purpose!!!!  It’s time for people to let go of their excuses, let go of their attitude, their limiting beliefs in themselves, their anger, and sadness and everything in between.  Get rid of the guilt….Why the fuck are you still feeling guilty about something that happened when you were 10 anyways!!??  This is all the shit weighing people down and keeping them stuck.  The course that I took not only cleared my pile of shit, it gave me all the tools necessary to be able to help other people in getting rid of theirs.  This new venture that I am embarking on is going to be ridiculous…my god it scares the shit outta me, but I am so incredibly excited.  I can’t wait to change the world for as many people as possible. (Note to all my beautiful hair clients: no the salon is NOT closing down! LOL)  It’s going to free so many people of the burdens they carry around with them everyday and it’s going to see me living in my true passion for helping others.

So the basis of this blog, even though it’s totally all over the place, is this:  LIVE, LOVE, and LAUGH my beauties…..and do all of these things with every single fibre of your being.  Do it with the strength you and I both know you hold in your heart and soul.  Go out and do what you love! No one has the power over you.  Not your thoughts, your actions, your emotions, NOTHING!  You have all of the power you need inside of you.  Maybe you don’t see it now, good lawddddddd, I didn’t see it for 18 whole years for crying out loud!!! Today I can tell you very emphatically, you have it in you…you have it all laying quietly inside of you just waiting to burst out, and if you can’t quite see it, hear it, feel it, taste it, smell it….let me know and we can find it together!

All my love beauties!

XOXO

M

There are a lot of things in life that are messy.  Houses can be messy, kids can be messy, ‘adulting’ can be messy.  Our thoughts, sometimes messy.  Our hearts, messy… Relationships….messy!!!! Life….messy.

So how do you clean up something so messy it feels overwhelming and like too much work?  When you walk into your kitchen and see a weeks worth of dishes and think “how the fuck am I ever going to clean this all up”? You walk away and tell yourself you’ll do it later.  Or when you sit with your thoughts and think “well that’s a big ol’ fucked up mess in there” let’s just lock the door on those thoughts and clean them up later…

How long do you leave the messes In your life, how often do you just close the door and walk away from them.  At what point do you realize the pile just keeps getting bigger and bigger.  It’s not going to disappear like magic, it HAS to be cleaned up, and you have to be the one to clean it.

Here’s the thing, If you don’t deal with the messes in your life right away they are going to pile up.  They are going to overwhelm you and then consume you.

At the beginning of August I began to clean up the mess that was my head and my heart, because up to that point I had not been ok at all.  I was pretending to be awesome while having mini meltdowns in private.  I woke up one morning in August and decided the messes needed cleaning up.  I had to clear the cobwebs of my shattered marriage and put one foot in front of the other and begin to really live.  I was tired of being a hot, sobbing, emotional wreck of a mess.  So, I picked myself up and began to work on being “ok”.  I put a deposit down on my own house, I started going out and having a blast with my friends, I was feeling ok with being single, I was ok with living alone, I was ok with my divorce, and I was ok in general.

Then the thing that I had dreamed of, for the first few months after he left, happened.  I had dreamed he would call and tell me he screwed up, he was sorry, he missed me and he was coming home.  It happened, and I became instantly terrified and ecstatic all at once.  The hours passed by so slowly as I waited for him to arrive back in our driveway.  I started wondering if this was the right thing to do, could I do this? Could I handle the work this was going to take? Could he? Was everything going to feel normal and comfortable? Was it going to be so different and too hard?  Then my phone went off, it was a text.  He was sitting on the porch.  My heart was pounding, and I started sweating.  I walked outside, sat beside him, and turned to look at my beautiful, broken ex husband, and then I cried.  In that moment of seeing his face, looking in his eyes and feeling him beside me, every worry I had melted away and all I could see was him.  I climbed on his lap to just hold him and be held.  I knew in that moment I was no longer ok, and I knew I was throwing myself right back into the middle of a big fucking mess.  This was going to be a mess that I had every intention of cleaning up though.  A mess I wanted to be a part of.  A mess I had asked the universe for over and over again since March.

2 days was all it took for him to run, he didn’t want this mess.  He didn’t want to clean up this mess, he wanted to cover it and walk away.  There I was, left again with a bigger mess than the first time.  It was bigger because I had decided to give him my all in that moment on the porch, every single thing I had left in me, every ounce of strength I built up over the past 6 months, every piece of my heart I had put back together,  I handed him on a silver platter.  I gave it all in a single heartbeat, without thinking of the mess I was heading into.

It’s been just over a week now, and the mess in my head is so bad I just want to close the door on it and walk away.  Maybe someone else will clean it up for me, maybe someone else can just put it all away.  Maybe I’ll stick my head in the sand for awhile and pretend none of this ever happened and he is just on a long vacation.  Yeah that’s what I’m going to do, because cleaning messes sucks, especially when they are your own.  Even as I type this out, I know I cannot cover this mess, I cannot walk away from this mess.  I have to clean it…I just don’t know how anymore.  I have a million saved quotes, thousands of notes written to myself about being strong and moving forward, I have a tribe of incredible humans that tell me every day I am better than this.  Right now, none of that matters.  I am sitting in the middle of the messiest room I have every seen, and I am overwhelmed and have no idea where to start.  Right now what I want is for it to be February 13th, 2016 and I have just woken in a sweat from the worst nightmare of my life.  A nightmare that played out like a movie and made me realize so much.  A nightmare that sends me on a plane to Mexico to be with the man I love before he meets “her”.  If life was like a movie this is what I would wish for, I would wish it for so many people too, not just me.  If life was like a movie, it wouldn’t be so messy.

Some people think I over share on this blog, I was even told once that I was just looking for people to join my pity party.  Here’s the thing though, we hide so much of ourselves, and we pretend to be perfectly happy on social media…this is me saying ‘I’m not ok right now…I’m a mess right now’.  It’s ok to show you’re real Human As Fuck side sometimes people, it’s ok to not be ok.  I share my humanness so that you know you aren’t alone, I share it so you can feel safe sharing yours.  We all have messes in our lives, and it’s not always perfect.  Show it, share it, talk about it.  Let the mess out of your head, you never know who may be there to help you clean it up.

This mess feels overwhelming right now, and I guess I’ll be ok.  Today I am not ok, today I am just going to lie in this heaping mess and cry for a bit.

xoxo

M

**….This blog post was written last week and I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to post it…now that I have picked myself out of the heap and decided that my heart is my own, I am posting it.  I don’t want to live in a heap, I don’t want to be a hot, disgusting, balling my eyes out, mess.  I want to live, I choose to live.  I choose to continue to love the people in my life who are deserving of my love.  I choose peace in my heart knowing that I am an amazing human being.  I choose happiness.  I choose laughter.  I choose ME.  I love ya all!  Now get out of that heap and come laugh with me! XOXO **

Someone asked me the other day what I have learned through this whole mess. Have I found myself? Have I really taken in the lessons that were brought to me? Have I learned anything yet?
I responded at first in anger with things like “yeah…I’ve learned to never trust anyone, love is just another 4 letter word that means jack shit, I’m actually an angry and bitter person, and life fucking sucks”. Then I slept on that question…and really thought about it…I have learned a lot. So the following are my lessons of love and marriage and life…
I have learned…
 ⁃ Your day to day actions are an extension of the love you have for your partner. Are you taking the right steps to show them?
 ⁃ asking for the things you need and want isn’t selfish, it doesn’t make you look weak, and no one will judge you if you need or want something if they really love you. It’s totally ok to let go and ask for help.
 ⁃ personal development books only work if you take action on what you’ve learned. 
 ⁃ I should have hired a cleaning lady years ago!!! Lol
 ⁃ You don’t have to wait for someone to ask for forgiveness to forgive them. Forgiveness can be truly selfish and for your own heart. It can be a process of letting go and healing. You don’t need permission to forgive someone.
 ⁃ not to take the most important people in my life for granted. They may not always be around, and we should treasure their existence every day.
 ⁃ embrace the things that drive you crazy. Those are the things that set us apart and make us unique. They may drive you crazy, but one day you may miss those crazy quirks.
 ⁃ compromise is ok. It’s ok to not get your own way all of the time. Bending on things for someone you love only shows how much you love them. 
 ⁃ show appreciation for everything!!!! Even when he puts the toilet seat down. Lol
 ⁃ always, ALWAYS speak what is in your heart and your mind. Do not keep things locked away and try to fix them on your own.
 ⁃ think before you react!!! Are you reacting with your emotions? Or are you reacting with your values, morals and beliefs?
 ⁃ Keep dreaming! Dream about the future, talk about the future, share what you see in your future.
 ⁃ when you break someone, fix them. Apologize, mean it, and learn from it.
 ⁃ listen….and when I say listen, I mean really hear them. Hear what they are saying, process it, and figure out how you can help them. What is your part in what they are saying they need or want?
 ⁃ put your phone down and LIVE!!!! Texts, emails and status updates can WAIT! Life is in front of you, go on adventures, walk, talk, learn and just live!
 ⁃ don’t go to bed upset. Speak your heart, let it out and move on.
 ⁃ always, always hug and kiss the ones you love. Every morning and every night.
 ⁃ learn from your mistakes instead of making them over and over and over again.
 ⁃ don’t let the honeymoon phase end, ever! Love notes, flowers, and little presents from the heart mean the world to the ones you love.
 ⁃ love yourself enough to love others.
 ⁃ never forget your worth, never forget your value, never loose yourself.  
I am positive there will be so many other lessons to come out of this. I am ready for all of them, and I will learn them and apply them to my new life. Whatever path I head down, I will head down it with a fire in my soul, and a whole lotta love in my heart. 
XOXO
M

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I hear my soul
I see my dreams
I feel my power.

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I feel my heart beating
I hear my thoughts running
I see my energy

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I feel the air rushing through me
I see the light of the day
I hear my should whisper

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I can reflect on my life,
I can forgive myself for all the wrong doings,
I can be gentle with myself, I can just be.

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I can see my happy place
I can feel the wind in my hair
I can hear the gentle breeze blowing

In the quiet stillness of the morning
I am me
I am free
I am love.

When you feel like despair is taking over your heart and soul where do you go to quiet the noise? Close your eyes and go there now. See, hear and feel everything around you in your quiet, happy place. Stay there until you can feel the despair melting away from your heart, leaving your soul. Let your soul be filled with the warmth of this place you call home right now. Watch your heart become filled with light, let it get brighter and brighter as you watch it fill up. No throw your arms around yourself and just wrap yourself in the thoughts of being enough. you are enough, you are powerful, you are strong, and you will do all you are meant to do in this life. Your dreams are yours for the taking, your dreams will come true, your dreams are to be shared with the world. Hold the brightest light possible in your heart and let it radiate out to the world today, share your light with everyone you meet. Do not allow the darkness to envelope you, let the light push it out. Make sure it knows it is not welcome today, or any day from here on out. Your heart is filled with the light of love, abundance, gratitude, & forgiveness. Hold your light close to you and never let it go. Be the light…

Happy new week beautiful peeps!!!! I hope you’re all living your greatest days and being positive and happy!

I figured I would take a step away from dwelling in my madness of life and writing about the insanity of my situation to just really talk about YOU!  Yes, you!

How are you taking care of yourself right now? Are you making sure your cup is always full?  Are you looking and feeling your best?

On this journey of finding my happy, I have read so many amazing books and attended so many personal development courses.  They have all helped me in finding who I really am.  What I really like, and where I really want to be in my life.  I figured I could share just some of what I have learned, to help you find your happy!!

Lesson #1.  Love Yourself.

Whatever that means for you.  What do you daily to really show yourself that you love YOU?  For me it is putting on a nice outfit, slapping on some makeup, and just feeling good about me.  I have started taking 30 minutes per night to read, because I absolutely love to get lost in a good book.  A nice hot bath and a glass of wine is a MUST too.  Writing this blog has also become a way I show myself I really love myself.

Lesson #2.  Love your Tribe.

We all have that tight knit group of family and friends that have our backs no matter what the situation is.  Love on them, tell them you appreciate them, spend time with them.  Loving your tribe of peeps is good for your soul.

Lesson #3.  Take the Action steps to move forward.

You can talk a big talk and you can say all the things you’re going to do to live your best life, but if you don’t DO them you’re never getting anywhere in your life.  No matter what the action is, just do it.  I have been tasked by a coach I hired to just take action steps in 4 areas everyday.  Self, Business, Family, Home.  It is amazing how good a person can feel if they just take the steps in these 4 areas.  Grab a journal and write out how you are taking steps everyday.  Keep a log and look back on it at the end of the week.  It feels so great!

Lesson #4.  Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Cut out all of the negative bullshit from your vocabulary and your mind.  You need to find peace within yourself.  Tell yourself every day that you are amazing, you are good enough, and you are worth it.  The more positive we tell ourselves the less bullshit gets in.  Ain’t nobody got time for beating themselves up constantly.  You certainly don’t have time to let others put you down and make you feel less than either.  Others opinions of your character are only a reflection of the bad they see in themselves.  Come on over to the light side and love on yourself.

Lesson #5.  HAVE FUN!!!!!!

Please have fun in life! Laugh, go out, be around people, go on adventures…LIVE!  Laughter is the greatest medicine in the world and it is FREE people!!!  One minute of laughter, for me, cures 100 hours that I spent crying.  We need to stop dreaming of life while laying on the couch.  We have to go out and live it!  Step outside and soak up the sun and just do something FUN!

The last 4 months have, at times, felt like 4 years.  They have been exhausting, time and mind consuming, heartbreaking, earth shattering and downright sad.  These 5 lessons are making life just a little easier for me though.  I’ve always known these lessons, I’ve always had them inside of me.  I just had to find them, and start using them again.

Search your soul today for the things you need and want to be the best version of you there is.  This is your life!  It’s time to live it!

XOXO

M

He took his clothes out of the closet this weekend.  Who knew an empty closet could evoke so much emotion from one person.  Who could have known that I would sit for an hour inside my walk in closet and cry.  I thought it would be easier if his stuff was out of there, it would make the healing process easier and start to erase some memories.  Nope it did the opposite…it flooded a lot back and brought with it so many more tears.  Tears I didn’t even think I had left.

Remember I said that break ups make you bipolar…just when I think I’m going to be ok, I find myself on the floor of an empty walk in closet crying about my relationship.  Crying over silly memories.  Like the time he broke into my house when we were first dating and laid roses all over my bed, or the time we went to Vegas and he got so drunk that he thought escalators and elevators were hilarious and wanted to ride up and down all night.  Then there was the memory of him crying over our first son being born.  The memory of our very first kiss, the first time we said I love you, the first movie we saw together that became “Our movie”.  Our first apartment and how we had to sleep on the floor because we couldn’t afford a real bed.  When we bought our very first house together.  The trips, the adventures, the random car rides to nowhere.  His corny jokes, and his opinionated views.  Then came the flashes of his face, smiling, laughing, crying, just staring at me with love in his eyes, or deep in thought while he would work.

Yesterday was rough for a minute…or 60.  It was hard…but it will get easier right…right?…right! The empty closet is a symbol of the future, it may be empty and naked right now kind of like how I feel some days, but one day it won’t be.  It will get easier because an empty closet means space for something and someone new.  Not right now…I’m not ready yet, but in the future that closet will be full again.  In the future it will hold bits and pieces of someone who is head over heals in love with me…all of me..the good, the bad, and the ugly lol.

Once I dried my tears and said thank you to all of those memories I started thinking (Because that’s all I really do these days…).  I started thinking about when I was a little girl and how I would live in this fantasy dream world, filled with princesses, princes and unicorns, fairy godmothers and happy endings.  I would dream about being swept off my feet by a Handsome prince and we would live in a castle happily ever after.  I am 35 years old now, and I am still dreaming that dream.  My prince will come and he will love me, ALL of me and he will fill my empty closet.  Just as I believe my ex will find his princess and ride off into the sunset.  You know why I think of these things, because even amidst the shit that is our current situation we both deserve unconditional love, reckless love, crazy head over heels love.  We deserve to be loved for the people we are, not the people someone else thinks we should be, or need to be to make someone else happy.  I have never pretended to be someone I am not, I am me…a crazy tree hugging hippie, who hates war and loves peace.  Who drinks like a fish and could dance for hours.  Who’s foul mouth could, at times, make a trucker blush.  Who will love you the moment I meet you, until you give me a reason not to.  Who leaves her dirty clothes on the floor right beside the laundry basket…lol.  I cook and bake amazing food, and then leaves the kitchen a disaster, like a tornado whipped through it because dishes can wait.  Who laughs at pretty much everything, because laughter lights up my heart.

So empty closet, I know you’re feeling raw and naked now and maybe like you’ve been left in the dust, I know how you feel.  Just know that one day you will be overflowing, and feeling loved again.  One day you won’t feel so empty, you wont feel so all alone, you wont feel so exposed.  One day…