Hard Truths…

Do you have some hard truths?  You know the things that you don’t ever want some people to know about you?  The things that you hide from others, the things you aren’t at all proud of? The fears inside your head that you think,  ‘my god if I tell anyone about this they would think I am batshit crazy!!!’.  I am learning that I have a lot of these.  I have a lot of little Meaghan-isms that definitely make me who I am, but a few I’m not proud of, a few I’m embarrassed about, and a few I just don’t talk about–to myself or others because if I pretend they aren’t there, then they aren’t! right?

As I am on this journey of “Finding My Happy”, I am finding the last 2 weeks very difficult.  I have been pushing myself to get away from these things and my ego is pushing me back to safety.  She doesn’t want change, because change can be scary, and embarrassing, and change changes everything!!!!!  She’s petrified of the big, bold places I wanna go, and she does NOT WANT TO FAIL.  So here is one of my hard truths…..I have never finished anything I have started, except for giving birth to my 2 beautiful boys, let’s be honest though…I had no choice in finishing that project! lol  I make beautiful to do lists, they are gorgeous, seriously.  Pretty colour pens, and very organized and neat, categorized even….and then they sit on the counter collecting dust and I look at them with contempt because I completed nothing.  So now I am being gentle with myself, I put 1 item on my to do list for the day and I complete it so I can cross it out.  Once I cross it out, I add a new project to the list.  Sometimes its as simple as “Eat lunch”, because I need to remind myself to do that!

Here comes my biggest and hardest to write about…when I was 12 years old I started smoking….I quickly went from 1 cigarette/day to a pack a day.  I am 34 years old and I smoke a half a pack/day.  I have tried to quit 11 times in the past 22 years.  I have done hypnosis, I have tried the patch, I have tried the gum, I did laser, I tried to sleep for 3 days, I drank my body weight in water, I read Allen Carr’s book, I’ve used natural pills, I have done cold turkey 3 times, and I have tried every single doctor prescribed medication there is.  I am still smoking, and I am still smoking, because I am scared not to.  How fucked up does that sound?  I have a very supportive family, they go from being gentle and supportive, to being in my face downright mean, sending me “Here’s a picture of someone’s lung who died from smoking” texts, and begging me just to stop.  My husband has even told me he would leave me if I continued.  I get it, they are angry.  Every time I step outside they see 5 more minutes I am taking away from them, and possibly 5 more years in our lives together.  I get it I really do, but they just don’t get me, and where I am at with it.  I’m still smoking.  I’m still smoking because I’m scared to quit….I’m scared to give up the one crutch that I fall to when I am sad, angry, nervous, grumpy, bored…drunk, excited…OK, OK I just smoke all the time.  I hide this truth from a lot of people.  I fear the judgement it will bring if certain people in my life know that I smoke.  So that’s messed up…..I want to smoke, but I don’t want people to know I smoke….so why do i still smoke?????? Good LAWWWDDDDDD

So here I sit staring down at a list of everything I want to finish, let go, and fix up just a bit about myself…Taking my own advice I am moving just one thing over to the list.  That one thing will be quitting smoking.  I’m looking at my very last pack of cigarettes, and my to do list with only the one job on it….’Get rid of these Cancer sticks forever’ and I am asking for help from my friends and family.  For the first time I am asking for help, hold me accountable, ask me how I am doing, please excuse me if I’m bitchy….actaully call me out if I’m bitchy!!!  most of all just remind me what I am gaining instead of loosing.  I am gaining my lung health back,  my risk of a stroke or heart attack will be lower,  my skin will glow again, I will taste food again, and I will make myself and my family proud.