It’s been a very long time since I have written anything on this blog. It’s been a long time because my happy was stolen right out from underneath me. I was blindsided with a cut so deep I just couldn’t stop the bleeding. It’s taken a long time to be able to write anything about this part of my life because I had no idea how to say the words out to the world. I think I really wanted it to be a horrible nightmare, one that I would wake up from and it would all be over. It’s not a nightmare though, it’s real life, and it’s happening.
I’ve spoken before on my blog about the love of my life, my main squeeze, and my lover for the past 18 years. The person who stole my heart when I was only 17 year old. The one person who has stood beside me through every up and every down. My best friend, and sometimes my greatest enemy. The father of my beautiful boys. The man who is no longer in love with me, the man who doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, the man who is leaving me to go find his happy. Yup that’s what rocked my entire world 2 months ago….
It’s a really humbling and devastating experience to be told you just aren’t the one that’s right anymore. You’ve done so much and hurt so much that it’s not fixable. There’s no taking it back, there’s no begging (Oh yes I have begged…pathetic right?), there is no apology that will do, and there is no changing anymore. Nothing you do can change their mind and make them stay.
You sit and you think about everything you should have done different, everything you should have done for them and you didn’t. You put yourself down, you really beat yourself up about all the shit you put the other person through. Here’s what I realized though, he put me through shit at times too, he was never perfect, he had so much growing still to do. We were not perfect humans, or perfect partners, but through our 18 years we were perfect for each other. We just aren’t anymore. There has been growing in some areas and those areas have moved us further apart, they made our differences much more apparent. Some say opposites attract, some say opposites will never work. Who’s to say who’s right or wrong about that.
To look at us most would think we were a strange match, and complete opposites. I see it, I always did. He was the Ying to my Yang, the Black to my White, the Dark to my Light. People thought we were a weird match. All I know is I still miss our weird love. I also see though that it wasn’t great for either of us at the end. It wasn’t really great because neither of us were fully willing to compromise in certain areas, and we began to resent the other for trying to make us change who we were. I think there are so many things about him that I will forever miss, he has been my one and only for half my life. It’s not an easy thing to let half of your life and half of your person walk right out the door without looking back. My heart is still really shattered, I don’t think I have ever endured a pain this intense. It has made it really hard to breath some days. Some days I have no idea how I am ever going to do this, and other days I get all feminist and think FUCK YA! I’LL SHOW YOU ASSHOLE!!! (he’s not really an asshole, but somedays I call him that cause swearing and name calling makes me feel better)
At the end of the day I had to sit down and realize that there were a lot of areas I fucked up in. There are a lot of lessons that can come out of this separation though and If I can share just a fraction of them so that your marriage doesn’t end like mine then that’s what I am going to do. (Always seeing the bright side still, even in the middle of my greatest shit storm….you’re welcome! lol)
Tip #1: Don’t ever stop dating each other. Go out and do things, a quiet dinner without your kids, a concert, a movie, just a simple drive to talk. A walk on the beach. Anything that gives you and your partner each others undivided attention is perfect.
Tip #2: Jogging pants are NOT sexy. Remember when you used to dress up all the time to go out, or see each other? Keep doing that. Throwing on your joggers once you get home is something we all like to do, but let your partner still see that sexy side of you. Do your hair and makeup on a Saturday and put on your nice clothes even if the only thing you are doing is going grocery shopping.. It shows you still have your own amazing confidence and you still very much love yourself.
Tip #3: Don’t stop loving yourself. This to me is the MOST IMPORTANT tip!!!! I didn’t love myself for a very long time, and no one else can truly love me if I don’t love and respect myself! Remember who you are always, don’t ever stop being who you are to make your partner happy. You stay amazingly you and they will love every bit of your craziness.
Tip #4: Don’t roll your eyes at their feelings, thoughts, or opinions. This says to your partner “I don’t really give a shit what you’re saying right now. Your opinion means nothing and I think it’s stupid”. That behaviour wears a person down and they begin to shut down completely. When you see a shut down happening it is truly terrifying.
Tip #5: Please keep trying. Don’t give up on each other EVER. Marriage is work, it truly is, and you can either give up and walk away or you can do the work TOGETHER. When one partner decides it just isn’t worth the work that’s when the problems creep in. Marriage is not one sided, it is dual effort, team work. Don’t ever forget that!
Tip #6: You don’t have to love all of them. Remember that there will be things about your partner that drive you nuts, like his snoring, or how he nags about clothes on the floor, or that weird noise he makes when he’s eating. Just remember the things you adore about your partner, and know that there are things you do that he finds less than endearing too.
Tip #7: TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING! Do not hold back your thoughts and feelings. This goes for any relationship in your life. Family, friends, marriage. Be honest and open with everyone. If something hurts you, tell them. If something they do makes you feel proud, tell them. If you just need a hug cause you’re having a rough day, tell someone.
So let’s just get real for a minute here and talk about how all of these tips may not help you at all, you’re marriage is already over and there’s no going back. You are sitting in the middle of a shit storm just like I am now. Here’s whats going to happen, you’re going to go through the 7 stages of grief. Here’s my tip for that:
When you start going through the 7 stages of grief just let it happen. Let it all happen, it’s going to anyways and you will have no control over it. Here are the 7 stages:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Acceptance and Hope
The first 6 happen over and over and over again…..I’ve gone through 1 through 6 about 100 times in 2 months…and I’ll probably go through them all again 100 more. The light at the end of the tunnel is #7…it’s coming, I know it is.
The one thing to remember and always tell yourself everyday is YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK! You really are, and so am I. I am going to be ok, because I set out on a journey a long time ago to find my happy, and this is just a bump in that road. I believe this may be the exact bump that will set me on a crash course with my greatest desire, my higher purpose, and my happiest of happy’s. So even though tonight I hit that stage of anger again I know that tomorrow, or next week, or even a month from now I will finally get to acceptance and hope and that my friends is where the magic will happen.