The Empty Closet…

He took his clothes out of the closet this weekend.  Who knew an empty closet could evoke so much emotion from one person.  Who could have known that I would sit for an hour inside my walk in closet and cry.  I thought it would be easier if his stuff was out of there, it would make the healing process easier and start to erase some memories.  Nope it did the opposite…it flooded a lot back and brought with it so many more tears.  Tears I didn’t even think I had left.

Remember I said that break ups make you bipolar…just when I think I’m going to be ok, I find myself on the floor of an empty walk in closet crying about my relationship.  Crying over silly memories.  Like the time he broke into my house when we were first dating and laid roses all over my bed, or the time we went to Vegas and he got so drunk that he thought escalators and elevators were hilarious and wanted to ride up and down all night.  Then there was the memory of him crying over our first son being born.  The memory of our very first kiss, the first time we said I love you, the first movie we saw together that became “Our movie”.  Our first apartment and how we had to sleep on the floor because we couldn’t afford a real bed.  When we bought our very first house together.  The trips, the adventures, the random car rides to nowhere.  His corny jokes, and his opinionated views.  Then came the flashes of his face, smiling, laughing, crying, just staring at me with love in his eyes, or deep in thought while he would work.

Yesterday was rough for a minute…or 60.  It was hard…but it will get easier right…right?…right! The empty closet is a symbol of the future, it may be empty and naked right now kind of like how I feel some days, but one day it won’t be.  It will get easier because an empty closet means space for something and someone new.  Not right now…I’m not ready yet, but in the future that closet will be full again.  In the future it will hold bits and pieces of someone who is head over heals in love with me…all of me..the good, the bad, and the ugly lol.

Once I dried my tears and said thank you to all of those memories I started thinking (Because that’s all I really do these days…).  I started thinking about when I was a little girl and how I would live in this fantasy dream world, filled with princesses, princes and unicorns, fairy godmothers and happy endings.  I would dream about being swept off my feet by a Handsome prince and we would live in a castle happily ever after.  I am 35 years old now, and I am still dreaming that dream.  My prince will come and he will love me, ALL of me and he will fill my empty closet.  Just as I believe my ex will find his princess and ride off into the sunset.  You know why I think of these things, because even amidst the shit that is our current situation we both deserve unconditional love, reckless love, crazy head over heels love.  We deserve to be loved for the people we are, not the people someone else thinks we should be, or need to be to make someone else happy.  I have never pretended to be someone I am not, I am me…a crazy tree hugging hippie, who hates war and loves peace.  Who drinks like a fish and could dance for hours.  Who’s foul mouth could, at times, make a trucker blush.  Who will love you the moment I meet you, until you give me a reason not to.  Who leaves her dirty clothes on the floor right beside the laundry basket…lol.  I cook and bake amazing food, and then leaves the kitchen a disaster, like a tornado whipped through it because dishes can wait.  Who laughs at pretty much everything, because laughter lights up my heart.

So empty closet, I know you’re feeling raw and naked now and maybe like you’ve been left in the dust, I know how you feel.  Just know that one day you will be overflowing, and feeling loved again.  One day you won’t feel so empty, you wont feel so all alone, you wont feel so exposed.  One day…

Forgiveness…

So my last blog post has gone pretty gang busters.  I’ve had so much feedback, so much praise, so much thanks for it.  I have also received some backlash too, and because of that, there was a moment I was actually considering taking it down.  Some of the feedback was that it was too one sided, it didn’t really explain how cheaters feel and why they do what they do.  It didn’t explain the other persons side of how the marriage broke down.  So I took some time to really think about all of those opinions.  To hear how people felt and to really digest their thoughts and feelings.  Here’s something you need to know though, my ex was the first one to read it.  He read it before it was even published, he told me to post it.  Is he upset that our dirty laundry is aired for the world to see? maybe a little bit, but he understands this is my form of therapy.  Writing brings me peace, in my head and in my heart.  Being able to connect with people through my words is the most incredible feeling in the world.  Hearing other peoples stories and telling them “You’re going to be ok”, is helping to heal my own heart.  So at the end of the day I decided my post about The Other Woman will stay up, it will stay up because in the moment that I wrote it I was so blinded by anger and hurt and heartbreak, that I wrote from a raw place in my heart and soul that I wanted to share.  It will stay up because there were more people who were grateful for that post than there were those who hated it.  It will also stay up because it is me, and it is real, and it is filled with emotion and rage and sadness, and it is also filled with the thoughts and feelings of people who have been where I am.

It will stay up because it is the post that is going to be the lead in to a very amazing story.  The story of my new journey through life,  a story of loss, a story of letting go, the story of heartbreak, a story of forgiveness, and the story of truly finding my happy.

So let’s have a chat today about forgiveness.  Let’s really dive into that word forgiveness…the dictionary meaning of the word forgiveness is this :

forgive

[fer-giv]

verb (used with object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against:

to forgive one’s enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:

to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

verb (used without object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.

6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

So that’s the technical meaning of the word forgiveness, but what does the word actually mean to you?  For me the word means letting go, it means sending all the hurt inflicted on me by another person away. Why? because I can’t hold onto it anymore.  Anger, hurt and sadness only festers in your heart, it makes it black and hard and cold.

I think when we choose to forgive those who have hurt us, we empower ourselves to be greater human beings.  Holding on only keeps you stuck in your pain, it keeps you stuck in your anger, it keeps you stuck in that tornado shit storm.  Do you really want to stay there?  How does it make you feel when you relive the hurt over and over and over again? Not good at all.  Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean forgetting either.  I will hold onto the lessons from this, because I was meant to learn them.  I will hold onto some of the feelings as a reminder of where I have come from.  I will hold onto to some of the pain, because in a way the pain is going to make my new life really amazing.  We can’t stuff our feelings and emotions, we have to make sure we feel everything and learn the lessons from the feelings.

When I get quiet with myself and really dig into how I feel and the thoughts I think I come back to forgiveness every time.

I forgive him, not because he asked me to, not because he deserves it, not even because I’ve been told to.  I forgive him because I am letting go.  I forgive him for making a serious error in judgement.  I forgive him for being a human being that felt like it was his only option.  I forgive him for everything.  I forgive him, because I need to, my heart needs me to.  I forgive him because I need to set myself free.

I also forgive myself, for not seeing the signs, for not being my best self, for all the mistakes I made in our relationship, for going crazy.  I forgive myself for the horrible things I thought and said out loud about myself and about him.  I forgive my head, my heart, and my soul for some choices we made together.  They weren’t good choices at the time, but they brought about valuable lessons.  I forgive myself and you should too.

Let go of the pain, the hurt, and the sadness. Breathe in peace, acceptance, hope and love.  You’re surrounded by all of those things daily, you just need to see them and breathe them in.

Forgive

Let go

Move forward

No more looking back.

XOXO

M

The Other Woman…

Going through a break up is hard…you feel bipolar at times.  You try and justify, you investigate and dig to find a reason, you make up stories in your head about where you went wrong.  You blame yourself and only yourself and say sorry a million times.  You beg for them to come back, you get really fucking angry and scream and tell them to go away forever.

Then you learn the truth…the truth that your gut was telling you all along, the truth that he lied over and over and over again.  You get stuck right in the middle of a rabbit hole and there’s no way up and there’s no way down and your world begins to spin out of control.  You did so much digging, you were lied to so many times, that you knew there had to be more, so you dig and dig just to find the answer you never wanted to find…There is another woman.

That single truth bomb hurts worse than the breakup, it hurts worse than the words “I just don’t love you anymore”, it cuts so deep that the scar of it will never ever fade.  It’s like a tattoo permanently etched on your heart.  I think this truth hurts the most because you feel like you never had a fucking chance in hell.  The Other Woman came in and gave him things you didn’t, that’s why she is The Other Woman.  Then comes the knowledge that she has no idea she is The Other Woman.  You want to hate her with every fibre of your being for breaking up your family, and stealing your man, and now you can’t.  Well maybe you can, I can’t.  My heart is not only broken for me, it is broken for her.  We were both lied to and deceived and sent down this fucking rabbit hole by the same man.  Then comes the kicker….He has to tell her the truth to her face…all the while you got nothing but lies and deceit and had to learn the truth on your own.  You find yourself hating her even more because she gets so much more from him than you did.

People have told me to stop asking him questions, stop digging for answers, ‘just stop, you’re only hurting yourself more and more’.  Maybe they are right, but for me I needed the whole fucking truth.  Every word of it.  Now that I have it, I’m not sure I’ll ever survive this rabbit hole.  It spins deeper and deeper out of control, and I have been second guessing my whole life the last week.

So I sit here today writing out this deep, hurting truth and baring my whole soul because people need to hear this story.  They need to hear my story, and I need to tell it.  People are going through what I am going through and they need to know their thoughts and feelings are ok, and justified, and they have to know it will get better…one day.  This is only my version of my story, so when I speak about men as cheaters, know that I mean all cheaters, and when I speak about the shitty friend, I mean human beings in general.  Take from my story what you will, but know that it is only my story, and I hope that it can help just one person in this world.

Men, we need to have a chat about this cheating thing.  Let me tell you something right now, the grass isn’t greener, it just looks greener.  You need to water your own damn lawn guys!!! If your wife isn’t giving you something you need, use your voice and fucking tell her.  If you need to go back to marriage counselling, GO!  If she’s not listening then tell her in a different way, change your tone, change your words, change something!!!  Above all else, ask her what she needs too.  It’s not all about you, perhaps you aren’t getting what you need because she isn’t getting what she needs.  Don’t tell the Other Woman all the things your wife never gave you….what the fuck does she care?  She doesn’t!  She cares about herself, her problems, her baggage…not your wife’s.  If you’re going to go ahead and act on the ultimate betrayal of cheating you fucking tell The Other Woman, you give her the option to decide if she is also a shitty human being without a heart, or if you have to bugger off and get back to your wife, or even just get your own life together first.  When you take the choice away from someone to make their own good or bad decision, that is a super shitty thing to do.  You have just stolen someone else’s power.  The power to use their conscious, the power of decision, the power of love and compassion.  One more thing…this thing you think is “LOVE” with The Other Woman, it’s not.  It’s excitement, it’s lust, it’s passion, it’s curiosity, its not the same old boring mundane love you’ve had, it’s someone fresh who doesn’t even know all your quirks, and idiosyncrasies, and annoying habits.  I’m willing to bet she doesn’t even think you poop or fart.  (Yeah I said it!)  It is not LOVE.  Maybe it could be…one day, but right now that is not what it is.  1, 2, 3, maybe even 10 years from now, you will be sitting in the exact same position, repeating the same shitty cycle with The Other Woman, and then along comes ANOTHER WOMAN.  One who offers more excitement, more of what SHE couldn’t and more passion.

Let’s also talk about the douchbag of a friend who only asks “Are you sure about this? You sure you know what you’re doing?”  NO GUYS! NO!!! What kind of friend are you?  Can we all agree that this macho “I don’t wanna say what I’m really thinking, and feeling.  Feelings are for girls” Bullshit needs to stop!  We were created with thoughts, feelings, emotions, morals and values for a REASON! To fucking USE them!!!!  You stand up and you say to your friend “THIS AIN’T RIGHT!”  “Who are you right now!?” “You tell that OTHER WOMAN you are still married” “You go home and leave your wife first” “Stop looking for greener grass”.  That is what real friends do, that is what heart centered human beings do.  That is what people with compassion, and empathy, and a goddamn heart do!  If you are also unhappy in your own marriage DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Stop being a douchbag, stop looking for greener grass, stop encouraging bad decisions, JUST STOP IT!

Ok Other Woman, I’m coming for you next.  Here’s the deal ladies, if you are away on a vacation in a tropical, romantic destination and you meet some super hunk that seems to be sweeping you off your feet, settle your lady parts down for a minute and use your freaking head.  Do you know this stranger?  Do you believe this stranger? Are you sure?  Why in the world are you jumping into bed with someone on vacation when you have no idea who they are?  Call me crazy, and maybe it’s because I have been in a relationship since I was 17, but this shit is just weird.  What are we thinking ladies?  Is our self esteem, and our self love, and our compassion for our own soul so damaged that we are finding a reason for this to be “love at first sight”?  Or maybe we are just so broken that we are hoping every guy out there is the one to fix it.  Nope, nope he’s not.  You and you alone are the only one who can fix your heart, your soul, and your thoughts.  Let’s stop relying on a man to fix what someone else broke.  Stand up, be strong, know your worth, do the work on yourself and then go searching with a clear head and heart for Mr. Right.  Also, you need to know that even though we feel sorry for you that you were also lied to, we still fucking hate you.  It’s going to take a long ass time to get over this pain, and you will always be “the one” who helped contribute to the deepest heart break we’ve ever had.

To the woman who has been left “holding the bag”, standing in the dust of this epic shit storm,  mind reeling from the lies and the sadness, and the heartbreak and the devastation, this is where WE get to decide our happy ending.  Even though we are left standing here alone we get to pick up the pen and write what happens next.  It’s ok to decide that you would take your man back with open arms if you so choose, and it’s ok to decide that you will never let him back in ever again.  It’s also ok to have zero freaking idea what you want at all right now.  Here is one thing I will tell you though, this wasn’t your fault.  You can take no blame in someone else’s super shitty decision, because you were never given a chance in hell to make it better.  You weren’t given the option to fix what you had broken, you weren’t asked if you could make it work, you were never even a consideration.  You were left behind in that moment and the decision had been made long before you could have done anything.  Do not should all over yourself.  I’ve done it for weeks now.  Don’t listen to them when they say “if you had only told me this, or only done this, this never would have happened”, they are liars.  They are justifying their actions, by making this all your fault.  It’s not our fault, it never was and it never will be.

Some days will be hard, god, yesterday alone I sat on my couch all day and cried and ate ice cream, you know why, cause it felt good at the time.  I looked pathetic, I looked lost, I looked lonely, and I was very much all of those things, but today….oh today I am writing this blog, I am giving myself a whole lotta self love, and I am being kind to my heart.  Tomorrow might still be a great day, but come the weekend I may be a puddle again…it’s an uphill battle when you are going through a breakup, but it’s a battle that makes us stronger, and makes our heart more open, and helps us see the kind of future we wish to create for ourselves.  Today is new day, today is a better day, today is here and tomorrow is not.  I will not worry about what tomorrow brings TODAY!

XOXO

M