There are a lot of things in life that are messy. Houses can be messy, kids can be messy, ‘adulting’ can be messy. Our thoughts, sometimes messy. Our hearts, messy… Relationships….messy!!!! Life….messy.
So how do you clean up something so messy it feels overwhelming and like too much work? When you walk into your kitchen and see a weeks worth of dishes and think “how the fuck am I ever going to clean this all up”? You walk away and tell yourself you’ll do it later. Or when you sit with your thoughts and think “well that’s a big ol’ fucked up mess in there” let’s just lock the door on those thoughts and clean them up later…
How long do you leave the messes In your life, how often do you just close the door and walk away from them. At what point do you realize the pile just keeps getting bigger and bigger. It’s not going to disappear like magic, it HAS to be cleaned up, and you have to be the one to clean it.
Here’s the thing, If you don’t deal with the messes in your life right away they are going to pile up. They are going to overwhelm you and then consume you.
At the beginning of August I began to clean up the mess that was my head and my heart, because up to that point I had not been ok at all. I was pretending to be awesome while having mini meltdowns in private. I woke up one morning in August and decided the messes needed cleaning up. I had to clear the cobwebs of my shattered marriage and put one foot in front of the other and begin to really live. I was tired of being a hot, sobbing, emotional wreck of a mess. So, I picked myself up and began to work on being “ok”. I put a deposit down on my own house, I started going out and having a blast with my friends, I was feeling ok with being single, I was ok with living alone, I was ok with my divorce, and I was ok in general.
Then the thing that I had dreamed of, for the first few months after he left, happened. I had dreamed he would call and tell me he screwed up, he was sorry, he missed me and he was coming home. It happened, and I became instantly terrified and ecstatic all at once. The hours passed by so slowly as I waited for him to arrive back in our driveway. I started wondering if this was the right thing to do, could I do this? Could I handle the work this was going to take? Could he? Was everything going to feel normal and comfortable? Was it going to be so different and too hard? Then my phone went off, it was a text. He was sitting on the porch. My heart was pounding, and I started sweating. I walked outside, sat beside him, and turned to look at my beautiful, broken ex husband, and then I cried. In that moment of seeing his face, looking in his eyes and feeling him beside me, every worry I had melted away and all I could see was him. I climbed on his lap to just hold him and be held. I knew in that moment I was no longer ok, and I knew I was throwing myself right back into the middle of a big fucking mess. This was going to be a mess that I had every intention of cleaning up though. A mess I wanted to be a part of. A mess I had asked the universe for over and over again since March.
2 days was all it took for him to run, he didn’t want this mess. He didn’t want to clean up this mess, he wanted to cover it and walk away. There I was, left again with a bigger mess than the first time. It was bigger because I had decided to give him my all in that moment on the porch, every single thing I had left in me, every ounce of strength I built up over the past 6 months, every piece of my heart I had put back together, I handed him on a silver platter. I gave it all in a single heartbeat, without thinking of the mess I was heading into.
It’s been just over a week now, and the mess in my head is so bad I just want to close the door on it and walk away. Maybe someone else will clean it up for me, maybe someone else can just put it all away. Maybe I’ll stick my head in the sand for awhile and pretend none of this ever happened and he is just on a long vacation. Yeah that’s what I’m going to do, because cleaning messes sucks, especially when they are your own. Even as I type this out, I know I cannot cover this mess, I cannot walk away from this mess. I have to clean it…I just don’t know how anymore. I have a million saved quotes, thousands of notes written to myself about being strong and moving forward, I have a tribe of incredible humans that tell me every day I am better than this. Right now, none of that matters. I am sitting in the middle of the messiest room I have every seen, and I am overwhelmed and have no idea where to start. Right now what I want is for it to be February 13th, 2016 and I have just woken in a sweat from the worst nightmare of my life. A nightmare that played out like a movie and made me realize so much. A nightmare that sends me on a plane to Mexico to be with the man I love before he meets “her”. If life was like a movie this is what I would wish for, I would wish it for so many people too, not just me. If life was like a movie, it wouldn’t be so messy.
Some people think I over share on this blog, I was even told once that I was just looking for people to join my pity party. Here’s the thing though, we hide so much of ourselves, and we pretend to be perfectly happy on social media…this is me saying ‘I’m not ok right now…I’m a mess right now’. It’s ok to show you’re real Human As Fuck side sometimes people, it’s ok to not be ok. I share my humanness so that you know you aren’t alone, I share it so you can feel safe sharing yours. We all have messes in our lives, and it’s not always perfect. Show it, share it, talk about it. Let the mess out of your head, you never know who may be there to help you clean it up.
This mess feels overwhelming right now, and I guess I’ll be ok. Today I am not ok, today I am just going to lie in this heaping mess and cry for a bit.
**….This blog post was written last week and I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to post it…now that I have picked myself out of the heap and decided that my heart is my own, I am posting it. I don’t want to live in a heap, I don’t want to be a hot, disgusting, balling my eyes out, mess. I want to live, I choose to live. I choose to continue to love the people in my life who are deserving of my love. I choose peace in my heart knowing that I am an amazing human being. I choose happiness. I choose laughter. I choose ME. I love ya all! Now get out of that heap and come laugh with me! XOXO **