365 Days…

Right now I am sitting in a bright living room, of a cozy little house, drinking coffee and surfing Facebook.  I’m looking out the window at the back of another house with 2 huge dogs playing on the deck.  My view is no longer trees and peaceful tranquility, my view has changed.  The property doesn’t go on for acres, it’s just a small little postage sized lot, with lots of neighbours, and currently lots of construction.  365 days later, the living room I am in is MINE…surrounded by my things, some in boxes, but most of it unpacked, and I’ve created peaceful tranquility inside my home.  There is a calm, quiet energy that just flows around the whole house.  It’s been just over a year, and the hardest chapter of my life is now done.  I sit here writing this blog knowing that whatever comes my way next is going to be amazing, and beautiful, because I have just weathered the most brutal storm I have ever encountered, and came out of it relatively unscathed.  I have a few broken bits, maybe some cracks, bruises and scars, but they are all things that have molded the human I am today.  All things that were necessary to happen for me to heal, and to grow.

I’m going to be real though,  moving into this house this weekend was hard as fuck.  I have been an emotional wreck for the past 2 weeks while packing up my life.  It’s not that I was still hanging onto my ex, a part of me was just clinging to my old life…you know, the way I “thought” life should be.  I got really funky this weekend once the house got quiet and all the company was gone.  Once the reality of everything I had just been through set in.  I’m not going to lie, I think 365 days of emotions hit me square in the face.  So, I just sat with all those feelings and let them come in waves….anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, despair, anger, anger, anger…lol.  Then came the peace, the calm, and the serenity.  It was like all of the sudden I just realized what and who was important in my life, and I could see how far I have come.  I could see all of the love that surrounds me from so many people, and all the love I have for them.  I felt calm in my new cozy little space, and started thinking about all of the memories I can’t wait to make here.

The past 365 days haven’t all been bad though, I have had some of the greatest times of my life this past year.  I have so many beautiful moments that I remember often and just smile about.  I was talking to a friend of mine in the middle of my emotional train wreck this weekend and she said something I will remember forever…”You have always been a pretty positive and happy person, but it just radiates off you now.  So, take however long you need to feel and cry, but know that your present is so much better than the past few years, and that you deserve to be as happy as you are right now”.  In that moment I knew she was so right, and I couldn’t spend another minute crying about what happened, because it all happened for a reason.  It all happened to bring me to the space I am in now.

So, to the person sitting in the very beginning of her own emotional hot mess, train wreck….here’s what I have to say to you, yes you….the one on the couch with the ice cream and vodka float (you know you thought about making one, don’t even lie!!).  You are going to be OK…you are going to be more than ok, you are going to be amazing.  Let it all out, all those feelings and all of that hurt…let it out.  Cry, please cry.  Cry so much that you don’t think you can cry another tear, and then cry some more.  Know, also, that it is ok to still cry 365 days later too, I promise it’s ok.  Scream…scream out the anger.  Almost daily, I would go out into the woods and just scream…to the point that I think the neighbours may have called the police because they thought someone was being murdered LOL.

I want you to know that there is a life beyond your heartbreak.  There is happiness, there is laughter, and there is love.  A special kind of happiness and love. A non judgemental, be yourself, free and beautiful kind of love.  It’s the kind of love you will find when you look in the mirror and really see yourself.  It’s the kind of happiness that falls into your lap when you’re not even looking for it, let alone want it.  It’s the most peaceful kind of love you will ever feel.  It’s quiet, and makes you feel so comfortable in it’s silence.  It’s simple, its sweet, and you deserve every ounce of it!  Breathe in all the beautiful, happy moments.  Don’t take a single one for granted, and burn the memories of those moments into your mind to pull out on those not so great days to laugh about.  Lean on your tribe, take  every bit of love, positivity and strength they have to offer you, you will need it some days.  Every single day gets easier, and easier.  Every single day has a bright silver lining to it, find it, and hang on to it.  When you come across people who love like you, and feel like you, speak like you, are crazy weird like you…hang on to them…DO NOT let them slip through your fingers, and don’t push them away, they are rare little gems.  Lastly, be gentle with yourself, because we really want to blame ourselves at the end of the day for everything that has happened, and we cannot be fully to blame.

I’m off now to make a lifetime of memories in my cozy little home, with all the people I love the most in this world.