Category Archives: Goals & Dreams

The Other Side…

Something quite strange happens inside of a woman the moment she realizes she is no longer in love with the man who broke her heart.  There’s this calm sadness that fills your belly…I don’t think it’s sadness over the end, or the relationship in general…I think it might be sadness over the feelings being gone.  You don’t have that desire for the other person anymore, you don’t feel that fire in your soul when you see them or hear their voice.  You don’t have a need to have them close to you anymore, so you feel empty and sad and you mourn those feelings dying inside you.  It’s also very liberating to wake up one morning and realize that you are going to be SOOOO ok… this truly was the best thing that could ever happen to you.  Then you laugh because a part of you feels sorry for the “other woman”, then you cry because you just hope he is happy, and then you smile again because YOU are happy.  You are content, and you are sooooo flipping excited for this brave new world you are going to face!

I will say there are still moments when I feel sad and when I cry, and when I get angry, but those feelings are over the betrayal, because the betrayal of being cheated on is literally the worst way someone can ruin your heart.  However, those moments come a lot less now…they really do, and that in itself is a liberating feeling.  To wake up and smile,  sigh and say “Universe…thank you for today, I’m so excited for what it’s going to bring me, and thank you for this challenging time because I am learning ALL of the lessons!!!!”

It’s incredible to really feel all of the feelings, and really dive into the lessons those feelings bring.  I didn’t think I would ever get to this place.  I thought for sure my heart was ruined forever, but it’s not.  My heart is a little bruised for sure, well maybe a lot bruised.  18 years of love is a whole lotta love to just let go of without a scratch.  But…bruises heal and scratches heal, and these wounds will allow me to be an amazing person.

I spend a lot more time living in the present and looking to the future now. The past is gone, there is no changing it, there is no more reliving moments over and over again.  I can’t keep having conversations in my head about what should have happened.  I have always truly believed that everything happens for a reason, and this is happening for some reason.  I have yet to learn the full reason, but I will one day.

I live in the moment with my children now, I see them, I hear them, and I feel all that they feel.  Perhaps one of the reasons is to make me a better mom.  To show my boys strength and determination, and fire in your soul.  To teach them how to love, like really love, with all your heart.  To be a guiding light for them on how to be the most amazing humans they can be.

I want to tell you that you will come out of this dark place, someday. Some will come out sooner than others.  Sometimes living in the darkness is what you need for a time, but please don’t unpack there.  Don’t sell yourself short.  Don’t let anyone tell you, you are less than the best.  You are worth far more than you have given yourself credit for.  Take some time and write yourself love notes.  Buy yourself flowers.  Take yourself out on a date.  Do the things YOU have always wanted to do.  Just live.  Breathe in the beauty and the peace around you, it’s everywhere if you just look for it.

Today I woke up on the “Other Side”, the bright side, the better side, the beautiful side.  Today I can take back MY life, and begin to live it..REALLY LIVE IT!  My life is my own now, and my path is my own now.  That’s such a beautiful statement write out.  This is my story.  A story I share with the world now, so that everyone can see the “other side”.

 

XOXO

M

Forgiveness…

So my last blog post has gone pretty gang busters.  I’ve had so much feedback, so much praise, so much thanks for it.  I have also received some backlash too, and because of that, there was a moment I was actually considering taking it down.  Some of the feedback was that it was too one sided, it didn’t really explain how cheaters feel and why they do what they do.  It didn’t explain the other persons side of how the marriage broke down.  So I took some time to really think about all of those opinions.  To hear how people felt and to really digest their thoughts and feelings.  Here’s something you need to know though, my ex was the first one to read it.  He read it before it was even published, he told me to post it.  Is he upset that our dirty laundry is aired for the world to see? maybe a little bit, but he understands this is my form of therapy.  Writing brings me peace, in my head and in my heart.  Being able to connect with people through my words is the most incredible feeling in the world.  Hearing other peoples stories and telling them “You’re going to be ok”, is helping to heal my own heart.  So at the end of the day I decided my post about The Other Woman will stay up, it will stay up because in the moment that I wrote it I was so blinded by anger and hurt and heartbreak, that I wrote from a raw place in my heart and soul that I wanted to share.  It will stay up because there were more people who were grateful for that post than there were those who hated it.  It will also stay up because it is me, and it is real, and it is filled with emotion and rage and sadness, and it is also filled with the thoughts and feelings of people who have been where I am.

It will stay up because it is the post that is going to be the lead in to a very amazing story.  The story of my new journey through life,  a story of loss, a story of letting go, the story of heartbreak, a story of forgiveness, and the story of truly finding my happy.

So let’s have a chat today about forgiveness.  Let’s really dive into that word forgiveness…the dictionary meaning of the word forgiveness is this :

forgive

[fer-giv]

verb (used with object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against:

to forgive one’s enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:

to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

verb (used without object), forgave, forgiven, forgiving.

6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

So that’s the technical meaning of the word forgiveness, but what does the word actually mean to you?  For me the word means letting go, it means sending all the hurt inflicted on me by another person away. Why? because I can’t hold onto it anymore.  Anger, hurt and sadness only festers in your heart, it makes it black and hard and cold.

I think when we choose to forgive those who have hurt us, we empower ourselves to be greater human beings.  Holding on only keeps you stuck in your pain, it keeps you stuck in your anger, it keeps you stuck in that tornado shit storm.  Do you really want to stay there?  How does it make you feel when you relive the hurt over and over and over again? Not good at all.  Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean forgetting either.  I will hold onto the lessons from this, because I was meant to learn them.  I will hold onto some of the feelings as a reminder of where I have come from.  I will hold onto to some of the pain, because in a way the pain is going to make my new life really amazing.  We can’t stuff our feelings and emotions, we have to make sure we feel everything and learn the lessons from the feelings.

When I get quiet with myself and really dig into how I feel and the thoughts I think I come back to forgiveness every time.

I forgive him, not because he asked me to, not because he deserves it, not even because I’ve been told to.  I forgive him because I am letting go.  I forgive him for making a serious error in judgement.  I forgive him for being a human being that felt like it was his only option.  I forgive him for everything.  I forgive him, because I need to, my heart needs me to.  I forgive him because I need to set myself free.

I also forgive myself, for not seeing the signs, for not being my best self, for all the mistakes I made in our relationship, for going crazy.  I forgive myself for the horrible things I thought and said out loud about myself and about him.  I forgive my head, my heart, and my soul for some choices we made together.  They weren’t good choices at the time, but they brought about valuable lessons.  I forgive myself and you should too.

Let go of the pain, the hurt, and the sadness. Breathe in peace, acceptance, hope and love.  You’re surrounded by all of those things daily, you just need to see them and breathe them in.

Forgive

Let go

Move forward

No more looking back.

XOXO

M

The end is only the beginning…

It’s been a very long time since I have written anything on this blog.  It’s been a long time because my happy was stolen right out from underneath me.  I was blindsided with a cut so deep I just couldn’t stop the bleeding.  It’s taken a long time to be able to write anything about this part of my life because I had no idea how to say the words out to the world.  I think I really wanted it to be a horrible nightmare, one that I would wake up from and it would all be over.  It’s not a nightmare though,  it’s real life, and it’s happening.

I’ve spoken before on my blog about the love of my life, my main squeeze, and my lover for the past 18 years.  The person who stole my heart when I was only 17 year old.  The one person who has stood beside me through every up and every down. My best friend, and sometimes my greatest enemy.  The father of my beautiful boys.  The man who is no longer in love with me,  the man who doesn’t look at me the way I look at him, the man who is leaving me to go find his happy.  Yup that’s what rocked my entire world 2 months ago….

It’s a really humbling and devastating experience to be told you just aren’t the one that’s right anymore.  You’ve done so much and hurt so much that it’s not fixable.  There’s no taking it back, there’s no begging (Oh yes I have begged…pathetic right?), there is no apology that will do, and there is no changing anymore.  Nothing you do can change their mind and make them stay.

You sit and you think about everything you should have done different, everything you should have done for them and you didn’t.  You put yourself down, you really beat yourself up about all the shit you put the other person through.  Here’s what I realized though, he put me through shit at times too, he was never perfect, he had so much growing still to do.  We were not perfect humans, or perfect partners, but through our 18 years we were perfect for each other.  We just aren’t anymore.  There has been growing in some areas and those areas have moved us further apart, they made our differences much more apparent.  Some say opposites attract, some say opposites will never work.  Who’s to say who’s right or wrong about that.

To look at us most would think we were a strange match, and complete opposites.  I see it,  I always did.  He was the Ying to my Yang, the Black to my White, the Dark to my Light.  People thought we were a weird match.  All I know is I still miss our weird love.   I also see though that it wasn’t great for either of us at the end.  It wasn’t really great because neither of us were fully willing to compromise in certain areas, and we began to resent the other for trying to make us change who we were.  I think there are so many things about him that I will forever miss, he has been my one and only for half my life.  It’s not an easy thing to let half of your life and half of your person walk right out the door without looking back.  My heart is still really shattered, I don’t think I have ever endured a pain this intense.  It has made it really hard to breath some days.  Some days I have no idea how I am ever going to do this, and other days I get all feminist and think FUCK YA! I’LL SHOW YOU ASSHOLE!!! (he’s not really an asshole, but somedays I call him that cause swearing and name calling makes me feel better)

At the end of the day I had to sit down and realize that there were a lot of areas I fucked up in.  There are a lot of lessons that can come out of this separation though and If I can share just a fraction of them so that your marriage doesn’t end like mine then that’s what I am going to do. (Always seeing the bright side still, even in the middle of my greatest shit storm….you’re welcome! lol)

Tip #1: Don’t ever stop dating each other.  Go out and do things, a quiet dinner without your kids, a concert, a movie, just a simple drive to talk.  A walk on the beach.  Anything that gives you and your partner each others undivided attention is perfect.

Tip #2: Jogging pants are NOT sexy.  Remember when you used to dress up all the time to go out, or see each other?  Keep doing that.  Throwing on your joggers once you get home is something we all like to do, but let your partner still see that sexy side of you.  Do your hair and makeup on a Saturday and put on your nice clothes even if the only thing you are doing is going grocery shopping.. It shows you still have your own amazing confidence and you still very much love yourself.

Tip #3:  Don’t stop loving yourself.  This to me is the MOST IMPORTANT tip!!!!  I didn’t love myself for a very long time, and no one else can truly love me if I don’t love and respect myself!  Remember who you are always, don’t ever stop being who you are to make your partner happy.  You stay amazingly you and they will love every bit of your craziness.

Tip #4:  Don’t roll your eyes at their feelings, thoughts, or opinions.    This says to your partner  “I don’t really give a shit what you’re saying right now.  Your opinion means nothing and I think it’s stupid”.  That behaviour wears a person down and they begin to shut down completely.  When you see a shut down happening it is truly terrifying.

Tip #5:  Please keep trying.  Don’t give up on each other EVER.  Marriage is work, it truly is, and you can either give up and walk away or you can do the work TOGETHER.  When one partner decides it just isn’t worth the work that’s when the problems creep in.  Marriage is not one sided, it is dual effort, team work.  Don’t ever forget that!

Tip #6:  You don’t have to love all of them.  Remember that there will be things about your partner that drive you nuts, like his snoring, or how he nags about clothes on the floor, or that weird noise he makes when he’s eating.  Just remember the things you adore about your partner, and know that there are things you do that he finds less than endearing too.

Tip #7:  TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING!  Do not hold back your thoughts and feelings.  This goes for any relationship in your life.  Family, friends, marriage.  Be honest and open with everyone.  If something hurts you, tell them.  If something they do makes you feel proud, tell them.  If you just need a hug cause you’re having a rough day, tell someone.

So let’s just get real for a minute here and talk about how all of these tips may not help you at all, you’re marriage is already over and there’s no going back.  You are sitting in the middle of a shit storm just like I am now.  Here’s whats going to happen, you’re going to go through the 7 stages of grief.  Here’s my tip for that:

When you start going through the 7 stages of grief just let it happen.  Let it all happen, it’s going to anyways and you will have no control over it.  Here are the 7 stages:

  • Shock or Disbelief
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Guilt
  • Depression
  • Acceptance and Hope

The first 6 happen over and over and over again…..I’ve gone through 1 through 6 about 100 times in 2 months…and I’ll probably go through them all again 100 more.  The light at the end of the tunnel is #7…it’s coming, I know it is.

The one thing to remember and always tell yourself everyday is YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK!  You really are, and so am I.  I am going to be ok, because I set out on a journey a long time ago to find my happy, and this is just a bump in that road.  I believe this may be the exact bump that will set me on a crash course with my greatest desire, my higher purpose, and my happiest of happy’s. So even though tonight I hit that stage of anger again I know that tomorrow, or next week, or even a month from now I will finally get to acceptance and hope and that my friends is where the magic will happen.

#Findingmyhappy

XOXO

M

Hard Truths…

Do you have some hard truths?  You know the things that you don’t ever want some people to know about you?  The things that you hide from others, the things you aren’t at all proud of? The fears inside your head that you think,  ‘my god if I tell anyone about this they would think I am batshit crazy!!!’.  I am learning that I have a lot of these.  I have a lot of little Meaghan-isms that definitely make me who I am, but a few I’m not proud of, a few I’m embarrassed about, and a few I just don’t talk about–to myself or others because if I pretend they aren’t there, then they aren’t! right?

As I am on this journey of “Finding My Happy”, I am finding the last 2 weeks very difficult.  I have been pushing myself to get away from these things and my ego is pushing me back to safety.  She doesn’t want change, because change can be scary, and embarrassing, and change changes everything!!!!!  She’s petrified of the big, bold places I wanna go, and she does NOT WANT TO FAIL.  So here is one of my hard truths…..I have never finished anything I have started, except for giving birth to my 2 beautiful boys, let’s be honest though…I had no choice in finishing that project! lol  I make beautiful to do lists, they are gorgeous, seriously.  Pretty colour pens, and very organized and neat, categorized even….and then they sit on the counter collecting dust and I look at them with contempt because I completed nothing.  So now I am being gentle with myself, I put 1 item on my to do list for the day and I complete it so I can cross it out.  Once I cross it out, I add a new project to the list.  Sometimes its as simple as “Eat lunch”, because I need to remind myself to do that!

Here comes my biggest and hardest to write about…when I was 12 years old I started smoking….I quickly went from 1 cigarette/day to a pack a day.  I am 34 years old and I smoke a half a pack/day.  I have tried to quit 11 times in the past 22 years.  I have done hypnosis, I have tried the patch, I have tried the gum, I did laser, I tried to sleep for 3 days, I drank my body weight in water, I read Allen Carr’s book, I’ve used natural pills, I have done cold turkey 3 times, and I have tried every single doctor prescribed medication there is.  I am still smoking, and I am still smoking, because I am scared not to.  How fucked up does that sound?  I have a very supportive family, they go from being gentle and supportive, to being in my face downright mean, sending me “Here’s a picture of someone’s lung who died from smoking” texts, and begging me just to stop.  My husband has even told me he would leave me if I continued.  I get it, they are angry.  Every time I step outside they see 5 more minutes I am taking away from them, and possibly 5 more years in our lives together.  I get it I really do, but they just don’t get me, and where I am at with it.  I’m still smoking.  I’m still smoking because I’m scared to quit….I’m scared to give up the one crutch that I fall to when I am sad, angry, nervous, grumpy, bored…drunk, excited…OK, OK I just smoke all the time.  I hide this truth from a lot of people.  I fear the judgement it will bring if certain people in my life know that I smoke.  So that’s messed up…..I want to smoke, but I don’t want people to know I smoke….so why do i still smoke?????? Good LAWWWDDDDDD

So here I sit staring down at a list of everything I want to finish, let go, and fix up just a bit about myself…Taking my own advice I am moving just one thing over to the list.  That one thing will be quitting smoking.  I’m looking at my very last pack of cigarettes, and my to do list with only the one job on it….’Get rid of these Cancer sticks forever’ and I am asking for help from my friends and family.  For the first time I am asking for help, hold me accountable, ask me how I am doing, please excuse me if I’m bitchy….actaully call me out if I’m bitchy!!!  most of all just remind me what I am gaining instead of loosing.  I am gaining my lung health back,  my risk of a stroke or heart attack will be lower,  my skin will glow again, I will taste food again, and I will make myself and my family proud.

 

xo

M

New Year…New Me….No thank you!

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!!

I’m sitting in my kitchen, drinking coffee and reflecting on 2015.  All the bumps, the lessons, the triumphs, the downs, the hard times, and the good times.  I recently joined this soul firing mentor group to really blast into 2016 and make shit happen in my life (check it out here!).  2 weeks ago we were asked to sit down and write out everything we accomplished in 2015, even if it was something we thought was maybe not really an accomplishment.  So I stared at the paper for a while thinking, ‘2015 was  such a shit year, I don’t think I’ll have much to write.’….and then it just started flowing….3 pages worth of gratitude, accomplishments, and lessons from 2015.  I was stunned, I think I may still actually be stunned because I kept telling myself that this year was “Hard”,  it was “rough”,  “I wasn’t sad to see it go”.   After that exercise I am letting 2015 go full of gratitude for the lessons it brought me.  This year made me a stronger woman, a better mother, a more present wife.  It also helped me to learn how to shine my light and where to shine it the brightest.  This year was the beginning of finding my happy that at first I didn’t even know I was missing.  This year has brought me patience, understanding, gentleness, and a fierce love for everyone and everything I have.

I am not jumping into 2016 with radical resolutions that I will only beat myself up for not accomplishing, I am not writing out all the things I want to “change” about myself,   and I am not heading into 2016 thinking I need to be brand new, and different. I am heading into 2016 as the me that was made in 2015, I am heading in with a fresh and clear mind about where I am headed and what I am doing.  I am heading in stronger and smarter than I was last year.  I will never say again that 2015 was “hard, or shitty, or rough”.  2015 was the year that shaped me into who I am today, and I am damn proud of how far I have come.

I would really encourage all of you to sit down at some point today and write out everything that happened to you this year, good, bad or otherwise.  Find a lesson or a strength that you took away from the hard stuff, and then be so grateful for it!  There is no need to make declarations of grandiose change in yourself!  Keep being who you are, just plan to keep growing.  Always grow yourself and continue learning everyday.  We don’t stop learning when we leave school, every minute of every day holds some sort of lesson.  We can either choose to acknowledge it and learn, or we can choose to ignore it.  When we ignore the lesson it continues to happen until we learn.  Be ok with knowing you need to grow more, whether it’s mentally or emotionally, or even physically.  Make your New Year’s resolution easy for yourself, declare to yourself that you resolve to be the best version of yourself this year.  Tell yourself that no matter what you will be proud of yourself, that you will take all the lessons of this year and acknowledge them.  Tell yourself that you don’t need to be this “Brand new, better person”  YOU ARE ALREADY FUCKING AMAZING, you just have new lessons to learn this year.  Be open to the lessons, be open to the change, be open to letting it happen.  Most of all, remember to keep being the light.  Shine brighter than the sun today, tomorrow, and always!.

Happy New Year’s Beauties

xo

M

Intentions & Goals…

HEY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!

I hope you’re all having a super stellar day today!  I have been trying to figure out for awhile what to write about and today I banged out 3 blog posts.  The words and feelings were just flowing today!!!

I’ve been reading this book off and on since June, it’s called The Desire Map by Danielle Laporte.  This book really fires up my soul, but it makes me really mad too which is why it’s taking me so long to read it LOL.  It makes me mad at myself, for thoughts I think and ways I feel about certain questions she has you ask yourself.  Tonight while I was reading a particular soul firing page I had some real crazy “aha’s” about me.  In the search to Find My Happy, Ive tried a lot of different things.  I’ve read a lot of books, I’ve paid to attend a lot of events, I’ve had private business coaching etc.  In one single page, this book smacked me right in the face and had a part of my brain saying “HELLLLOOOOOOOOOOOO are you getting it yet???”.

In the chapter about Intentions & Goals, Danielle writes this “…As you craft the life of your dreams, you will experience guilt.  It’s part of having a conscience; its the tension in “Creative tension.” … you’re going to feel guilty.  Breathe.  The guilt associated with following your heart is a weight you can bear if your desires are strong enough.  It’s the price of admission to fulfilment.  … Make Changes without criticizing the past – your future will thank you for it,”  The next page is all about goals that no longer serve you, and when to let go of them.  This entire page just hit me…I’ve been so focused on achieving someone else goal, I lost sight of my own goal.  I lost sight of my dreams, because other peoples dreams were clouding my mind.  Then came the moment I realized I was desperately trying to achieve someone else dream, and I kept going because I didn’t want to let them down.  I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me, I didn’t want the guilt that would come with that.  You know what I’ve realized though, they wouldn’t have been disappointed, because they are this group of really fucking amazing people.  They would have helped me achieve my dream, they would have added fuel to my fire, they would have built me up, not torn me down.

You know how people always ask you what you want to be when you grow up.  I am 34 years old and I am still not fully sure what I want to be when I grow up.  One thing I know for sure though, is that I love helping people feel good about themselves.  I love inspiring people to be the greatest version of themselves possible, but I also really love helping people see that they were already really amazing human beings to start.  Finding the good in everyone is one of my favourite things.  So now I am going to really go through the Desire Map again, and be real with myself and truly find what fires me up, because that right there, that sweet spot of passion, that is where I will find another piece of my happy.

If I can suggest any reading to any of you at all that resonate with any of my blog, start with Danielle LaPorte.  The very first book of hers that I read was The Fire Starter Sessions ( you can buy it online here), It was just as an amazing read as the Desire Map is becoming.

Remember, You’re an amazing soul

XO

Meags