Love Warrior…

Holy shit…….I just spent a good portion of my day reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyl Melton ( go buy it….seriously….you need to read it!! and then follow Glennon on Facebook!!!).  This woman’s raw, honesty and ability to make me feel every single bloody emotion all at the same time was incredible.  This book spoke to my heart and soul, and at times I felt I was reading my own thoughts right on the page.  I have never in my life highlighted a book as much as I highlighted this one.  Her story of the hardest parts of her life was just so emotional, and so real, I ate up every word of this woman’s wisdom.  She inspired me with her truth and her reallness (is that even a word!?? Lol).  I felt so much of her humanness as I devoured every page, and it helped me process so much of my life and my feelings and my own truths.  It left me feeling so full and so inspired I just had to get on my computer and write my heart out.

All of the growing and learning I’ve done over the last 7 months has been truly incredible, and it’s so fucked up to say, but I’m so grateful for the moment that forever changed me.  As I was reading Glennon’s words, I could just feel so much of myself in them…the lessons she learned, the pieces of herself that she found, they all relate so much to me.  I’ve grown in ways I never even thought possible.  I think one of the biggest things that I’ve learned so far, is to just be real, and be open and be honest.  Be myself, a truly imperfect human being, that fucks up every now and then, and can learn and laugh at my stupidity and then move forward.  I really am incredibly imperfect.  I fuck up daily, say stupid things, think ridiculous thoughts, feel crazy schizophrenic emotions, and then laugh at myself and tell myself to calm the heck down!!! Embrace your imperfections loves…..embrace them all!!!!

I think the other thing I learned in all of this is that its good to let go and take the steps forward.  What happened to me, to my marriage, is something that I really could have let make me a bitter, angry, hateful person.  I could have let it fill me with darkness and become someone I would never like, however I’ve decided that continuing to be myself is the most important thing in all of this.  I know that it has changed somethings about me that are less than ideal…I am a touch less trusting than I was before, I think I may hold back a little bit more with my thoughts and feelings at first with new people in my life just until I’m sure I know their true character. I think I worry more and wonder more what people are really thinking, feeling, and saying.  Somedays I am terrified about my future, and I’m scared to be alone, and I’m scared to be in a relationship again all at the same time….I’m scared I’ll get hurt again, and then I’m scared no one will ever love me again…..(I did say my thoughts and emotions were schizophrenic…I warned you all LOL).  See how these are all less than ideal, but at the end of the day when I lay my head down I know that my fears are pretty coo coo.  I know truly without a doubt that one day I am going to meet some one that is so incredibly perfect for me, and they will be the final piece in putting my crazy little heart back together.  It won’t be “Perfect”, it will just be MY version of perfect.  That person is going to know all about me, every quirk, every annoying little habit, every weird thing about me and love all of it.  There will be no changing who I am, or what I stand for because they will just love me. Knowing, in my heart, the truth of the matter doesn’t get rid of the fears, they still linger a bit, but it helps soothe them for sure.  The growing and the learning has helped to soothe those fears more than anything, because at the end of the day I’ve learned to love myself and that is what really matters.

Finding what makes you human and being real and raw about it heals you.  When you can be truly open about the scars you have and just say “Here I am.  Take me or leave me”, fuck that is empowering!  That is the true lesson I learned from reading this book….“Say what you mean, and mean what you say…” (Thank you Dr. Seuss!!), and then be ok with the truth.  Once you are ok with your truths, you can let them out for the world to read or see or hear.  It’s totally ok to expose your scars for everyone to look at, because we are all just human as fuck.  We can learn from each other, we can grow with each other, we can carry each other through the shit storms that we encounter, and we can skip along together under the rainbows after the storm.  We don’t need to pretend that life is all sunshine and lollipops all the time, because that’s bullshit and it’s fake.

Take me or leave me, either way I’m just going to keep being me, perfectly imperfect…human as fuck…raw…semi broken, semi fixed….cool as shit me!

I love ya all

xoxo

M

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