He took his clothes out of the closet this weekend. Who knew an empty closet could evoke so much emotion from one person. Who could have known that I would sit for an hour inside my walk in closet and cry. I thought it would be easier if his stuff was out of there, it would make the healing process easier and start to erase some memories. Nope it did the opposite…it flooded a lot back and brought with it so many more tears. Tears I didn’t even think I had left.
Remember I said that break ups make you bipolar…just when I think I’m going to be ok, I find myself on the floor of an empty walk in closet crying about my relationship. Crying over silly memories. Like the time he broke into my house when we were first dating and laid roses all over my bed, or the time we went to Vegas and he got so drunk that he thought escalators and elevators were hilarious and wanted to ride up and down all night. Then there was the memory of him crying over our first son being born. The memory of our very first kiss, the first time we said I love you, the first movie we saw together that became “Our movie”. Our first apartment and how we had to sleep on the floor because we couldn’t afford a real bed. When we bought our very first house together. The trips, the adventures, the random car rides to nowhere. His corny jokes, and his opinionated views. Then came the flashes of his face, smiling, laughing, crying, just staring at me with love in his eyes, or deep in thought while he would work.
Yesterday was rough for a minute…or 60. It was hard…but it will get easier right…right?…right! The empty closet is a symbol of the future, it may be empty and naked right now kind of like how I feel some days, but one day it won’t be. It will get easier because an empty closet means space for something and someone new. Not right now…I’m not ready yet, but in the future that closet will be full again. In the future it will hold bits and pieces of someone who is head over heals in love with me…all of me..the good, the bad, and the ugly lol.
Once I dried my tears and said thank you to all of those memories I started thinking (Because that’s all I really do these days…). I started thinking about when I was a little girl and how I would live in this fantasy dream world, filled with princesses, princes and unicorns, fairy godmothers and happy endings. I would dream about being swept off my feet by a Handsome prince and we would live in a castle happily ever after. I am 35 years old now, and I am still dreaming that dream. My prince will come and he will love me, ALL of me and he will fill my empty closet. Just as I believe my ex will find his princess and ride off into the sunset. You know why I think of these things, because even amidst the shit that is our current situation we both deserve unconditional love, reckless love, crazy head over heels love. We deserve to be loved for the people we are, not the people someone else thinks we should be, or need to be to make someone else happy. I have never pretended to be someone I am not, I am me…a crazy tree hugging hippie, who hates war and loves peace. Who drinks like a fish and could dance for hours. Who’s foul mouth could, at times, make a trucker blush. Who will love you the moment I meet you, until you give me a reason not to. Who leaves her dirty clothes on the floor right beside the laundry basket…lol. I cook and bake amazing food, and then leaves the kitchen a disaster, like a tornado whipped through it because dishes can wait. Who laughs at pretty much everything, because laughter lights up my heart.
So empty closet, I know you’re feeling raw and naked now and maybe like you’ve been left in the dust, I know how you feel. Just know that one day you will be overflowing, and feeling loved again. One day you won’t feel so empty, you wont feel so all alone, you wont feel so exposed. One day…