Going through a break up is hard…you feel bipolar at times. You try and justify, you investigate and dig to find a reason, you make up stories in your head about where you went wrong. You blame yourself and only yourself and say sorry a million times. You beg for them to come back, you get really fucking angry and scream and tell them to go away forever.
Then you learn the truth…the truth that your gut was telling you all along, the truth that he lied over and over and over again. You get stuck right in the middle of a rabbit hole and there’s no way up and there’s no way down and your world begins to spin out of control. You did so much digging, you were lied to so many times, that you knew there had to be more, so you dig and dig just to find the answer you never wanted to find…There is another woman.
That single truth bomb hurts worse than the breakup, it hurts worse than the words “I just don’t love you anymore”, it cuts so deep that the scar of it will never ever fade. It’s like a tattoo permanently etched on your heart. I think this truth hurts the most because you feel like you never had a fucking chance in hell. The Other Woman came in and gave him things you didn’t, that’s why she is The Other Woman. Then comes the knowledge that she has no idea she is The Other Woman. You want to hate her with every fibre of your being for breaking up your family, and stealing your man, and now you can’t. Well maybe you can, I can’t. My heart is not only broken for me, it is broken for her. We were both lied to and deceived and sent down this fucking rabbit hole by the same man. Then comes the kicker….He has to tell her the truth to her face…all the while you got nothing but lies and deceit and had to learn the truth on your own. You find yourself hating her even more because she gets so much more from him than you did.
People have told me to stop asking him questions, stop digging for answers, ‘just stop, you’re only hurting yourself more and more’. Maybe they are right, but for me I needed the whole fucking truth. Every word of it. Now that I have it, I’m not sure I’ll ever survive this rabbit hole. It spins deeper and deeper out of control, and I have been second guessing my whole life the last week.
So I sit here today writing out this deep, hurting truth and baring my whole soul because people need to hear this story. They need to hear my story, and I need to tell it. People are going through what I am going through and they need to know their thoughts and feelings are ok, and justified, and they have to know it will get better…one day. This is only my version of my story, so when I speak about men as cheaters, know that I mean all cheaters, and when I speak about the shitty friend, I mean human beings in general. Take from my story what you will, but know that it is only my story, and I hope that it can help just one person in this world.
Men, we need to have a chat about this cheating thing. Let me tell you something right now, the grass isn’t greener, it just looks greener. You need to water your own damn lawn guys!!! If your wife isn’t giving you something you need, use your voice and fucking tell her. If you need to go back to marriage counselling, GO! If she’s not listening then tell her in a different way, change your tone, change your words, change something!!! Above all else, ask her what she needs too. It’s not all about you, perhaps you aren’t getting what you need because she isn’t getting what she needs. Don’t tell the Other Woman all the things your wife never gave you….what the fuck does she care? She doesn’t! She cares about herself, her problems, her baggage…not your wife’s. If you’re going to go ahead and act on the ultimate betrayal of cheating you fucking tell The Other Woman, you give her the option to decide if she is also a shitty human being without a heart, or if you have to bugger off and get back to your wife, or even just get your own life together first. When you take the choice away from someone to make their own good or bad decision, that is a super shitty thing to do. You have just stolen someone else’s power. The power to use their conscious, the power of decision, the power of love and compassion. One more thing…this thing you think is “LOVE” with The Other Woman, it’s not. It’s excitement, it’s lust, it’s passion, it’s curiosity, its not the same old boring mundane love you’ve had, it’s someone fresh who doesn’t even know all your quirks, and idiosyncrasies, and annoying habits. I’m willing to bet she doesn’t even think you poop or fart. (Yeah I said it!) It is not LOVE. Maybe it could be…one day, but right now that is not what it is. 1, 2, 3, maybe even 10 years from now, you will be sitting in the exact same position, repeating the same shitty cycle with The Other Woman, and then along comes ANOTHER WOMAN. One who offers more excitement, more of what SHE couldn’t and more passion.
Let’s also talk about the douchbag of a friend who only asks “Are you sure about this? You sure you know what you’re doing?” NO GUYS! NO!!! What kind of friend are you? Can we all agree that this macho “I don’t wanna say what I’m really thinking, and feeling. Feelings are for girls” Bullshit needs to stop! We were created with thoughts, feelings, emotions, morals and values for a REASON! To fucking USE them!!!! You stand up and you say to your friend “THIS AIN’T RIGHT!” “Who are you right now!?” “You tell that OTHER WOMAN you are still married” “You go home and leave your wife first” “Stop looking for greener grass”. That is what real friends do, that is what heart centered human beings do. That is what people with compassion, and empathy, and a goddamn heart do! If you are also unhappy in your own marriage DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Stop being a douchbag, stop looking for greener grass, stop encouraging bad decisions, JUST STOP IT!
Ok Other Woman, I’m coming for you next. Here’s the deal ladies, if you are away on a vacation in a tropical, romantic destination and you meet some super hunk that seems to be sweeping you off your feet, settle your lady parts down for a minute and use your freaking head. Do you know this stranger? Do you believe this stranger? Are you sure? Why in the world are you jumping into bed with someone on vacation when you have no idea who they are? Call me crazy, and maybe it’s because I have been in a relationship since I was 17, but this shit is just weird. What are we thinking ladies? Is our self esteem, and our self love, and our compassion for our own soul so damaged that we are finding a reason for this to be “love at first sight”? Or maybe we are just so broken that we are hoping every guy out there is the one to fix it. Nope, nope he’s not. You and you alone are the only one who can fix your heart, your soul, and your thoughts. Let’s stop relying on a man to fix what someone else broke. Stand up, be strong, know your worth, do the work on yourself and then go searching with a clear head and heart for Mr. Right. Also, you need to know that even though we feel sorry for you that you were also lied to, we still fucking hate you. It’s going to take a long ass time to get over this pain, and you will always be “the one” who helped contribute to the deepest heart break we’ve ever had.
To the woman who has been left “holding the bag”, standing in the dust of this epic shit storm, mind reeling from the lies and the sadness, and the heartbreak and the devastation, this is where WE get to decide our happy ending. Even though we are left standing here alone we get to pick up the pen and write what happens next. It’s ok to decide that you would take your man back with open arms if you so choose, and it’s ok to decide that you will never let him back in ever again. It’s also ok to have zero freaking idea what you want at all right now. Here is one thing I will tell you though, this wasn’t your fault. You can take no blame in someone else’s super shitty decision, because you were never given a chance in hell to make it better. You weren’t given the option to fix what you had broken, you weren’t asked if you could make it work, you were never even a consideration. You were left behind in that moment and the decision had been made long before you could have done anything. Do not should all over yourself. I’ve done it for weeks now. Don’t listen to them when they say “if you had only told me this, or only done this, this never would have happened”, they are liars. They are justifying their actions, by making this all your fault. It’s not our fault, it never was and it never will be.
Some days will be hard, god, yesterday alone I sat on my couch all day and cried and ate ice cream, you know why, cause it felt good at the time. I looked pathetic, I looked lost, I looked lonely, and I was very much all of those things, but today….oh today I am writing this blog, I am giving myself a whole lotta self love, and I am being kind to my heart. Tomorrow might still be a great day, but come the weekend I may be a puddle again…it’s an uphill battle when you are going through a breakup, but it’s a battle that makes us stronger, and makes our heart more open, and helps us see the kind of future we wish to create for ourselves. Today is new day, today is a better day, today is here and tomorrow is not. I will not worry about what tomorrow brings TODAY!